There’s a sinking, gnawing feeling in your gut—a tension you can’t quite name. You’ve built a successful life, but deep down, dissatisfaction is creeping in. It’s growing harder to ignore. You feel stuck and unsure how to move forward.

You’re trying to convince yourself this is what it’s like to be an adult. “Doesn’t everyone feel this way?”

You bury your struggles and keep pushing forward. Nothing you do seems to bring any relief. This internal tug-of-war is becoming unbearable. You feel like you’re being forced to choose between the stability and success you’ve worked so hard for and the happiness that feels increasingly out of reach.

But the truth is, there is something more to this. What if the way forward isn’t about choosing one thing and losing another?

Internal conflict arises when more than one thing is competing for your time, energy, and attention. It’s not permanent. When I’m guiding clients to work through their internal conflict I start with this key distinction. You’re the traveler—not the trail.

Let me explain.

You're the Traveler, Not the Trail

Imagine yourself walking down a narrow uneven trail in the woods. The fresh air stings as it enters your lungs. The sound of an out of sight creek is soft in the distance. You work your way up a steep climb. You’re breathing hard and your legs are burning. You cross an unexpected downed tree and find yourself in front of another steep climb. You’ve been on this journey for a long time and the obstacles that you encounter seem bigger and closer together. You’re tired and uncertain if you should continue.

If you confuse yourself with the experiences you’ve had or the circumstances you’re in, it’s easy to feel stuck. Self-doubt creeps in and it’s difficult to see a way forward. But here’s the key: You’re the traveler - not the trail.

As you separate yourself from the trail, you gain clarity. What arises within you - the labored breathing, burning muscles and the mental chatter - is what's happening in the traveler. The terrain is part of the trail. The obstacles you encounter are just objects on the trail, not reflections of who you are. Once you see yourself as the traveler, you gain the freedom to explore two essential parts of yourself—your qualities and your values. Understanding these distinct parts of yourself is key to resolving internal conflict.

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Understanding Internal Conflict

When you’re experiencing internal conflict, it can feel like you are being torn in different directions or things are grinding up against each other. It's uncomfortable and even painful. One perspective is to find a fast solution so the pain and discomfort goes away. Another perspective is to see the pain as a signal - an alert. It’s putting you on notice to pay attention.

It helps to be able to determine if the signal is pointing to a quality or a value. Let’s look at the difference between the two.

Qualities: Authentic self-expression moment by moment.

As the traveler, the obstacles that you encounter provide you with opportunities to demonstrate or develop qualities. Internal conflict arises when you don’t see yourself as a distinct part of the journey. You can’t see your role in it.

A quality is an attribute or a trait like persistence, compassion, or curiosity. It describes how you are being in the moment. For example, you may be patient with a child and assertive in a business meeting. The qualities you express over time shapes your character. These characteristics influence how you navigate what's ahead.

When you reject certain qualities, you don’t allow yourself to express them. You compartmentalize yourself. You won’t take actions to avoid being a certain quality. So you limit your self-expression and what you will or won’t do.

When I was a CPA, it took herculean efforts to complete the repetitive tasks that the procedures required. The routines made me feel anxious, like I was climbing the walls. I like to look at things from different perspectives. I enjoy understanding nuances and working more intuitively. I had learned to hide these more sensitive and intuitive qualities. So when I was challenged by the daily tasks, I thought I just needed to work harder so I didn’t feel that constant, nagging, and vague discomfort that led to my burn out.

I confused myself, as the traveler, with the trail. I wasn’t being authentic. I didn’t see these other qualities about myself because I was trying to be what was expected of me. It seemed like I didn’t have a choice, because I couldn’t see myself as distinct from the trail.

The soul desires wholeness. As you integrate the qualities that you have rejected or develop the qualities that you didn’t know you had, you become authentic. You feel more and more free to be yourself. The discomfort is a signal that you are too far away from your true essence. It’s trying to guide you back home to yourself.

The character that is required to live your best life is different from the motivation of choosing and staying on the trail. In the next section, you learn about your values.

Values: Aligning to your Guiding Principles.

The trail is the direction of travel - it’s not the destination. Traveling a trail that doesn’t include what you care about becomes empty. It lacks the interest and motivation to keep you engaged. And it feels draining.

A value is a belief or a guiding principle. For example, valuing collaboration guides you to look for ways to work with other people.

They operate in the background and influence your decisions over time. They’re like internal guide lines - aligning you to the trail you have chosen to travel.

The decisions you make are based on what you believe. These beliefs are influenced by your values. When you aren't consciously aware of what you value, decision making is confusing. The guiding principles that support you to make decisions are missing. Life changes and you change, so it’s important to periodically clarify your values and update your guiding principles.

During my time in accounting, the work I did wasn’t what I cared about. Yes, I know it’s important. I like detail and analysis, but not about data. I prefer people. I value deep conversations, sharing wisdom, and personal growth. Reading all the books on communication, team building, and leadership didn’t fill the void. I felt stagnant. I like to focus on connection, relationships, boundaries that arise on the personal journey of life. I am inspired by the point of view of the individual.

Accounting wasn't intriguing enough to keep me motivated on that career path. The choice I made was out of alignment for me. It was a long agonizing ten years of forcing myself to keep going. After years in the healing arts, people will often mention that I made a big switch from accounting to coaching. I see it as a spiritual course correction. Accounting was the detour. I was out of alignment with what I value and care about.

Clarifying your values aligns you to a direction of travel. It’s easier to make decisions that keep you aligned to what matters to you. The discomfort you feel here is pointing you back to the trail you are straying from or telling you that you need to choose a different path. The signal is an alert that you are out of alignment. It’s guiding you back to what you value.

It’s not the destination but the direction of travel. Your values are what guide your decisions over time. By clarifying your values, you create a clear framework for decision-making. When your choices align with what matters most to you, the path forward becomes clearer. Life is more fulfilling.

Resolving Internal Conflict with Qualities and Values.

Authenticity and alignment are insights into the relationship you have with yourself. The thing to understand is that you take action based on what you believe - about yourself and about the trail. This is why it’s so important to integrate your qualities and clarify your values. They are the foundation of what you believe and motivate every behavior.

This discovery isn’t easy without guidance. That’s why I created Finding Your Flow to lead you through this process. In our sessions, we’ll untangle your unique path together, so you can confidently take your next step. Ready to begin? Book a discovery session to see if this is the right time for you.
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